Malaysia

Colonial-era buildings, Kuala Lumpur

Next up: Malaysia. I left Ao Nang for a little place called Hat Yai on the Thai side of the border, not strictly a border town but it was the largest in the area. The guidebook didn't list much to see here but I didn't fancy a 12 hour bus journey direct to Penang. As it turned out, there was absolutely nothing to do! I counted more travel agencies than restaurants (it's not a good sign when there's more appetite to leave than to stay and eat) and, I stress I didn't know this before I decided to visit, the area has been the scene of violent attacks and bombings by insurgents, which have largely gone unreported. I was warned not to stand near parked motorbikes in case they were wired up to explosives, which I thought was a bit of an over-reaction and anyway, avoiding motorbikes in Thailand is like trying to avoid cars in London.

Masjid Jamek, Kuala Lumpur

The following day I grabbed an early bus to Georgetown, an old colonial port town in the province of Penang, on Malaysia's northwest coast. The city has been an important trading hub for the last 500 years and as such is home to a diverse mix of peoples and cultures. The major communities in Georgetown today are ethnic Malay, Indians (predominantily Tamils from the south) and Nonyu ("Straights Chinese"), and until last century the city had a heavy British and Dutch trading presence. The result is lots of colonial architecture. Lots of places I've visited in Asia were promised to be "colonial" but that was usually limited to an old church and a couple of European-style buildings. Georgetown really had a feel of an 19th century tradepost.


Penang was also voted one of the best places in the world to eat, with the mix of cultures resulting in a superb local cuisine (the British and Dutch influences aside, obviously). It was 5pm and I was hungry, having had nothing since breakfast. Nowhere was open.... on a Tuesday evening. Ok, it was Ramadan before sunset but given the cultural mix here I really expected somewhere to be serving. Some places just didn't open Tuesdays - is Tuesday the new sabbath? There were a couple of street food stalls but I'd had plenty of "chicken-rice" in China and wanted some of the cuisine for which Malaysia is famous. Eventually I found an Indian restaurant but only after I had wandered the streets for over an hour.

Petronas Towers viewed from the KL Menara

I took a VIP bus to Kuala Lumpur (way better than the sleeper buses of Vietnam, this one had just three seats per row, each one like a grandma chair with lean-back footrests... luxury). This coincided with the start of the Rugby World Cup so I spent the mornings exploring the cities various neighbourhoods and most afternoons in the bars.  I got up early to visit the Petronas Towers. The building has a skybridge connecting the two towers which is open to the public. I managed to drag myself out of bed to be there for 8.30 as the ticket office opened but was met with a queue hundreds long. An Indian guy turned to me as he left holding his tickets: "I've been here since 5am). Screw that, I headed to the KL Menara communications tower instead, which has a much taller observation deck. The Petronas towers are 452m high but the observation deck is only at 170m. What's the point of building a huge skyscraper without a viewing gallery at the very top??


My hotel in KL had signs in the lobby saying "No durians allowed in the hotel". First I thought this was a joke, but posters were plastered in every hotel lobby). The durian fruit is notoriously large and stinky. I tried a durian pastry and had to throw it away after the first bite. It was sweet and soft but with an after-taste like the inside of my face was rotting, and it just wouldn't go away.

Durian fruit (centre)

After KL was Melaka, another colonial port town (Malaysia seems to have a lot of these). It was a quirky little place which has seemed to attract pimped-out trishaws. At night they dazzle with disco lights and most come equipped with several speakers pumping out Malay dance classics.

Pimped out trishaws, Melaka

I found Malaysia a bit boring compared to the other countries I had visited. Nightlife in KL was good but I had high expectations of the food, which didn't really deliver - maybe I was unlucky - but it's somewhere I would like to visit again, if only for the diving (Perhentian Islands) or general beach relaxation (Pulau Langkawi).

Chiang Mai to Ao Nang

Mae Head Beach, Koh Tao

We took the sleeper train to Chiang Mai. As far as sleeper trains go (and I'm becoming quite the connoisseur of overnight Asian transport) this was pretty comfortable, with slightly more  privacy than average, afforded by a flimsy curtain across each booth that also doubled up as a wind breaker for the gale-force aircon vent at the top of the cabin. They must think that all westerners live in Arctic conditions and have the constitution of a Geordie pub-goer.

Chaing Mai is a charming little city, overflowing with culture (read: more temples) in the mountains of northern Thailand. I was promised cooler temperatures and lower humidity. In return I promised Laura that rain in the wet season is just a heavy downpour lasting 30mins, then followed by bright sunshine. Neither were correct. We took shelter from the rain in a cocktail bar/ massage house and had the strongest pina coladas ever created.


Chiang Mai is famous for its walking markets streets. On weekend evenings  the locals pedestrianise a street, setting up stalls and displays to sell their crafts. There's music, dancing, and the ubiquitous hawker selling percussive wooden frogs (my irritation with this particular piece of tourist tat knows no bounds - they're peddled in every country I've visited so far), all set against the backdrop of illuminated temples. The markets are supposed to have different themes for each day but the only thing that changed between Saturday and Sunday was the location.


Walking around these markets you appreciate how food and transport are ingeniously interwoven: vehicles are only limited by the owner's welding skills. In Bangkok we passed a VW campervan-cum-backlit-bar and saw several motorbikes with icecream-vending / rotissery-chicken sidecars throughout Thailand, Chaing Mai included. Think of any specialist equipment you need in order to sell something and I can guarantee there'll be a customised vehicle for it.


We enrolled in a Thai cookery course, which was great fun, although there wasn't much opportunity to go off-piste, as we were under the watchful eye of the professional cooks at all times. However, that did ensure my output was almost edible. I'm now the self-proclaimed king of spring rolls and will be accepting challenges after xmas.

Dusk, Koh Samui

Three nights in Chiang Mai was definitely enough to see the sights. Neither of us fancied trekking  (any company with "Endurance" in their name should be avoided entirely) so we hopped on a flight to Koh Samui. We just had one night there then a morning ferry to nearby Koh Tao for a week of diving. I decided to have a bit of luxury around my birthday and we checked into a great hotel right on the beach. If you're not diving then Koh Tao would be pretty dull. The beaches aren't mind-blowing, not by Thai standards anyway, and even the dive sites aren't too special, but it's become a bit of a PADI course Mecca and this competition has driven down prices. Diving in the day and gorgeous seafood restaurants and cheap beers in the evening... it doesn't get much better than this.

Me and yellow tail barracuda

Unfortunately we had to leave Koh Tao, otherwise I would have been looking for a mortgage on a beach bungalow, so we hopped onto a boat then bus to Krabi. In over 2 months this was first time I had been on Asian transport that wasn't completely full, though we did make a totally unneccessary stop at the bus company office (essentially a restaurant with some timetables on the walls) to watch "Jackass - The Movie". Our hotel was a throwback to somewhere in the 1970s - I'm guessing here because I don't think the room had a coherent theme in spacetime. I'm assuming the room was designed to look like a log cabin but aside from the wooden walls, the only wall decorations were a set of four ducks in flight (2 missing beaks) and a poster warning of a 300 baht fine for "blood- or chocolate- stained sheets" - quite a specific message that makes me wonder what horrors they once found in here.  We only had one night here before heading to Koh Lanta so, wanting to get out of our 1970s chalet, we took a wander into town and ended up playing Jenga in a rooftop bar in the glitziest hostel I've ever seen (gosh, we're such party animals!).

Phra Nang Lanta, Koh Lanta

The following morning we packed up and headed for Koh Lanta for some proper beach time. During our journey the bus driver stopped at several places to deliver parcels and pick-up/drop-off random people for cash in hand. I convinced myself that the money received for the packages wasn't enough for it to be hard drugs. Once on the island we headed to the quieter southern beaches and found the best hotel I've had so far on this trip. Adobe style rooms opened up directly onto the beach (complete with hammock) and we actually had the whole place to ourselves. The staff were visibly disappointed that we chose not to eat at the hotel restaurant that night.


The next day we whiled away the hours on the beach before taking a 30min taxi to the other side of the island for a recommended restaurant. I convinced the hotel reception that we wouldn't need a return cab, we could get one over there. After all, there were a few restaurants in that area and it should be fairly lively.  We rocked up and there was nothing, not even streetlights. Everywhere looked closed. Bemused locals stared as we arrived in the pickup. Our restaurant looked to be the place open, so I was practically on my knees begging the driver to come pick us in 2 hours. The waiter/owner was over the moon to see paying customers. After saying they we can have anything we like from the menu (always a good sign, though do I really want seafood from a place with no customers?) he showed us to our table and bounded away like Andrew Sachs on PCP. We were sat on someone's unfinished patio, on stilts above a mosquito-infested swamp, the restaurant layout as intuitive as a level of Zelda. We shared the restaurant with one other couple about half a mile away over the other side. But it was hilarious and the food was terrific. The tide came just in before we finished our meal and we had a final gin and tonic listening to the waves lap against the stilts.

Island near Koh Phi Phi

We said goodbye to Koh Lanta and took the bus to Ao Nang, back on the mainland. I arranged some diving for Ao Nang islands as the wildlife here is much better than in Koh Tao, and it didn't disappoint. I woke up the next day feeling a bit ill and with tingling fingers in my right hand. Surely it can't be decompression sickness; not from a couple of 18m dives with safety stops; the dive computer never beeped a warning on ascent; what's life going to be like without fingers?... Turns out I just ate too much the previous evening then somehow managed to punch the headboard in my sleep.... at least I think that's what happened.


Laura and I spent our last day kayaking in Bothor to see some old caves paintings. After Laura headed to Bangkok I decided to grab a few more fun dives off Koh Phi Phi (not totally convinced about my headboard-punching story, getting back underwater can't do me any harm) and went looking for reef sharks. Unfortunately not a single one in sight but managed to get my first turtle. Still impressive, but I'm hoping that Fiji delivers the goods next month.

Bangkok and Ayutthaya

I've heard plenty of stories about Khao San Road, the beating heart of the Bangkok backpacker district. It's the place to which all flophouse streets around the world are compared and has a reputation for being cheap, seedy and dirty. Not so. Maybe it used to be like this 10 years ago but it's far more glamorous than I imagined, sporting the full set of western fast food chains, flashpacker hostels and boutique hotels. What hasn't changed is the fact that it's the centre of Bangkok as far as tourists are concerned. Streets are buzzing with vendors selling  everything from T-shirts to fake IDs, spring rolls to university degrees; music pumps from every building - Jack Johnson, Manu Chao, dubstep (I know nothing about the latter - I think someone had to explain it to me); and diners drink large bottles of Chang on cheap garden furniture.


You get the occasional reminder that you're in a seedy party of town. A random Thai guy would lean into my ear to say "Pinnnnnnnng ponnnnnnnnng???". No, I don't want to see a "ping pong" show... I'd rather watch a woman pull a string of razor blades out of her mimsy before having full sex on stage with a random man. Oh wait, that's exactly what it is...


I met up with Laura, a friend from back home with whom I'd be travelling around Thailand, and we explored the Grand Palace and some nearby temples.

Grand Palace

Reclining Buddha, Wat Pho

The Thais love their royal family, or I should say that their love is legally enforced - insulting a royal is a criminal offence in Thailand and if you're in a public place at 8am or 6pm you must stand for the national anthem. Pictures of the royal family are everywhere here, adorning restaurants, train stations, hotels and plastered on huge ornaments beside main roads, looking like the last few displays in Blackpool illuminations. The trouble is (and I can type this now that I'm safely in Malaysia) that the king looks a total nerd. The Thais don't really do propaganda pics like, say, how the Russians do them with Putin. There are no pictures of the king riding a horse topless or displaying his manliness at a firing range. We just see a selection of him perusing surveyors plans or touring a building site with a ridiculous hardhat. I'd naturally blurt out "Look at that picture of the King! It's hilarious...", but then have to break off to see who overheard, "... and I, erm, really like a guy who can make me laugh".


The next day we took a trip north to Ayutthaya, the old capital of a Siamese kingdom. Through its extensive trade links in the 16th century Ayutthaya became one of the wealthiest cities in the region, but today all that remains of the old town are the ruins left behind by the Burmese after sacking the city in the 1700s. We took the express "A/C train" from Bangkok, as opposed to the slower local service and immediately regretted it. It seemed that the difference in price had been invested in providing travel at absolute zero. Families were huddled together for warmth and each trip to the loo was preceded by "I'm just going outside and may be some time", but it was definitely worth the trip. We wandered through the huge site, getting lost amongst the ruins (I thought that Rough Guide maps were rubbish, but the Lonely Planet ones are even worse).

Waiting for the (non-A/C) train back we got chatting to a Croatian taxi driver, who just would not stop talking about ping pong shows and his semi-legal escort business in Slovenia. He had somehow latched onto a naïve American girl with facial hair, who was backpacking for the first time. It looked like she was having to repeat "I'm having fun, I'm having fun" in her head just to get through the whole thing. The Croatian touched my knee every time he started a conversation - probably just a Balkan thing, right?